Life with us - The story so far......
Members of my family...& much much more!!
Me-Rach..... Dan my son.....My dear ever loving parents, my wonderful sister & brother.... My sister who's in heaven.....Last but not least my dear friends who i'm lucky to have many!!
Please give me time though to carry on working on these pages!
I am really trying to stick with this as at Sunday 12th Aug 2001 but keep losing interest and getting confused-fedup and depressed so please do bare with me!! Your welcome to send me an e-mail if you want to know anything!!
Me-Rach..... Dan my son.....My dear ever loving parents, my wonderful sister & brother.... My sister who's in heaven.....Last but not least my dear friends who i'm lucky to have many!!
Please give me time though to carry on working on these pages!
I am really trying to stick with this as at Sunday 12th Aug 2001 but keep losing interest and getting confused-fedup and depressed so please do bare with me!! Your welcome to send me an e-mail if you want to know anything!!
News
To date (May 2001)
My son Daniel (age 6) was dianosed after a rather long battle with Asperger Syndrome and I (age 32) am trying to be heard and diagnosed with ADD, unfortunatly we are very short of experts here in the U.K, our Drs believe that only children suffer with ADD - (Attention Defecit Disorder)
To be frank i'm sick of being fobbed off with different ante-depressants which do not help me with my problems - my short attention span, my ever changing moods, my laziness, my forgetfulness...my lack of self-esteem.....the list is never ending!! This dosn't make me a bad person in fact others wouldn't even know I have so many problems as for years i've learnt to control and mask myself which is getting to be hard work and frustrating.
My son Daniel (age 6) was dianosed after a rather long battle with Asperger Syndrome and I (age 32) am trying to be heard and diagnosed with ADD, unfortunatly we are very short of experts here in the U.K, our Drs believe that only children suffer with ADD - (Attention Defecit Disorder)
To be frank i'm sick of being fobbed off with different ante-depressants which do not help me with my problems - my short attention span, my ever changing moods, my laziness, my forgetfulness...my lack of self-esteem.....the list is never ending!! This dosn't make me a bad person in fact others wouldn't even know I have so many problems as for years i've learnt to control and mask myself which is getting to be hard work and frustrating.
"Our Dan" - A story of frustration & struggle but with a challenging, exciting and happy life ahead of him....
The night arrived when it was finally time for my warm happy baby to come out into this big wide world, I didn't quite know what to expect all I knew was that I wanted so much to meet this bundle of arms and legs and to give him all the love and happiness that I could - We wondered over the 9 months "Will it be a boy or a girl, what colour hair will it have, who's nature will it have, will it be healthy and happy" all the usual stuff that you goes through your mind when pregnant - basically it was exciting..Then came the start of a long winding road which i found very hard to handle ........
We got to the Maternity home in the middle of the night, I was both excited and very nervous (I'm a true coward!) basically it was a total nightmare, i will be very brief here as you don't need to know all the nasty gory stuff, but all hell let loose, i was told I couldn't have an epidural as there was not enough staff on that night so i was told i'd have to be brave and cope without pain relief, We were also told that our baby was laid in an unusual position, not breach but his spine was laid against my spine which meant that he would be born face up not face down, all of a sudden in the delivery room was sheer panic - there was staff coming in from all over (Where from I do not know as they said they didn't have many staff on!) well cutting it short again I was told not to push and they were struggling to find our baby's heartbeat, all the Drs had masks on and never explained to us what was happening it was all confusing and exhausting then one doctor said out loud..."Weve lost it" both Lee and myself thought the Doctor meant the baby, we were devastated and all I knew is that I still wanted to push and didn't know what to think or do, it was a good 3-4 minites later when they finally told us that it wasn't our baby that's lost it was the cap of the vontousse, (A Vontousse is an awful nasty sucking machine which attaches to the baby's head and pulls the baby out) Which meant the sucker had come unatached from the baby's head) we didn't even know they were using, how inconsiderate they were, we were led to believe our baby had died when that wasn't the case at all.
Dan finally arrived not a sound came out, they took him off and cleaned him up then brought him back to us. By this time, I didn't really feel anything for him, I held him but felt nothing, as i know now, I was affraid to get attached to him and bond with him in case anything happened to him - basically i was traumatized.
I felt and still to this day feel cheated out of the thoughts and feelings of having a normal birth and feeling very happy and content with all we had been through, i've heard so many story's about how you feel after giving birth, the happiness, the proudness, the sheer utter bliss as you've just given birth to a new life. I had none of that - it did not turn out as i'd expected.
Once home, I turned into a monster. Completely opposite to how I felt in the home, I couldn't bare to be apart from Dan, I wouldn't let anyone do anything for him or me, I kept checking he was still breathing I didn't go to sleep for weeks of fear that he would run into difficulties and I feared that I might be asleep if he needed me, I ran into sleep deprovation, exhaustion, post-natal depression. I was a mess. It was that bad that for months and looking back, even years only now 6 years later can i look at pictures or videos of Dan as they made me feel really emotional and to be very honest because i was such a wreck and had a nervous breakdown I cannot remember those times of when Dan was a baby even though I never let him out of my sight for a moment. I do feel robbed of being a mum to my much wanted baby, I hate the fact that we planned to have more children as i never wanted Dan to be an only child, and yet because of my mental state I could never even think of having anymore.
As Dan grew, I found being a mother was the most difficult job in the world, I blamed myself for how he was, if he cried, I was there, if he sniffed, I was there, if he coughed, I was there, I was told i'd made a rod for my own back as he was a spoilt baby, toddler then child - but we now know different. He is bloody Autistic - he has Asperger's Syndrome for God's Sake it's NOT all my fault for cracking up when he was a baby, it's NOT my fault that he's different, but i'm only just coming to terms with how life has turned out - yes, I do have to come to terms with Life, I also have to live with my own guilt of this feeling of ungratefulness too that will never go away, I know i'm better off then most and at least Asperger's is not life threateneing but it's still hard to live with.
Scream........ to be continued.....
We got to the Maternity home in the middle of the night, I was both excited and very nervous (I'm a true coward!) basically it was a total nightmare, i will be very brief here as you don't need to know all the nasty gory stuff, but all hell let loose, i was told I couldn't have an epidural as there was not enough staff on that night so i was told i'd have to be brave and cope without pain relief, We were also told that our baby was laid in an unusual position, not breach but his spine was laid against my spine which meant that he would be born face up not face down, all of a sudden in the delivery room was sheer panic - there was staff coming in from all over (Where from I do not know as they said they didn't have many staff on!) well cutting it short again I was told not to push and they were struggling to find our baby's heartbeat, all the Drs had masks on and never explained to us what was happening it was all confusing and exhausting then one doctor said out loud..."Weve lost it" both Lee and myself thought the Doctor meant the baby, we were devastated and all I knew is that I still wanted to push and didn't know what to think or do, it was a good 3-4 minites later when they finally told us that it wasn't our baby that's lost it was the cap of the vontousse, (A Vontousse is an awful nasty sucking machine which attaches to the baby's head and pulls the baby out) Which meant the sucker had come unatached from the baby's head) we didn't even know they were using, how inconsiderate they were, we were led to believe our baby had died when that wasn't the case at all.
Dan finally arrived not a sound came out, they took him off and cleaned him up then brought him back to us. By this time, I didn't really feel anything for him, I held him but felt nothing, as i know now, I was affraid to get attached to him and bond with him in case anything happened to him - basically i was traumatized.
I felt and still to this day feel cheated out of the thoughts and feelings of having a normal birth and feeling very happy and content with all we had been through, i've heard so many story's about how you feel after giving birth, the happiness, the proudness, the sheer utter bliss as you've just given birth to a new life. I had none of that - it did not turn out as i'd expected.
Once home, I turned into a monster. Completely opposite to how I felt in the home, I couldn't bare to be apart from Dan, I wouldn't let anyone do anything for him or me, I kept checking he was still breathing I didn't go to sleep for weeks of fear that he would run into difficulties and I feared that I might be asleep if he needed me, I ran into sleep deprovation, exhaustion, post-natal depression. I was a mess. It was that bad that for months and looking back, even years only now 6 years later can i look at pictures or videos of Dan as they made me feel really emotional and to be very honest because i was such a wreck and had a nervous breakdown I cannot remember those times of when Dan was a baby even though I never let him out of my sight for a moment. I do feel robbed of being a mum to my much wanted baby, I hate the fact that we planned to have more children as i never wanted Dan to be an only child, and yet because of my mental state I could never even think of having anymore.
As Dan grew, I found being a mother was the most difficult job in the world, I blamed myself for how he was, if he cried, I was there, if he sniffed, I was there, if he coughed, I was there, I was told i'd made a rod for my own back as he was a spoilt baby, toddler then child - but we now know different. He is bloody Autistic - he has Asperger's Syndrome for God's Sake it's NOT all my fault for cracking up when he was a baby, it's NOT my fault that he's different, but i'm only just coming to terms with how life has turned out - yes, I do have to come to terms with Life, I also have to live with my own guilt of this feeling of ungratefulness too that will never go away, I know i'm better off then most and at least Asperger's is not life threateneing but it's still hard to live with.
Scream........ to be continued.....
Dan as he is now
Dan was 6 in March, he seems to be coping much better now since more people have learnt about his condition, he seems overall less anxious, and mostly content with his own company (but with me at arms reach!)
He attends a mainstream school with 28 other children in his class - he adores his class mates and he quite often has friends here for tea after school. He is statemented now so has a teachers aide (1 to 1) for ALL of his school hours.
He still plays me up, every morning about not wanting to go to school but with alot of persuading and persistance from me he goes - all be it we are often late (Some of that is down to me though - I hate mornings!)
He loves Friday's best though for 2 reasons the first being that he gets to stay in with his old teacher at lunch time when they spend their time on the internet and secondly because Friday is the last day at school - he loves the weekends.
He can stay up as late as he likes on a Friday & Saturday and get up when he feels like it (Usually 10 or 11 o'clock) He is spending quite alot of time at his Grandma & Grandad's new caravan on the weekend, so I am fortunate to have abit of free time (To update my pages & go out getting merry!)
His very latest interest is ....WRESTLING, his first sentance spoken in the morning is to do with Resteling and his last words before sleep are usually about Wrestling!!! What ever happened to poor old Thomas the Tank Engine?!
Now it's "Stone Cold Steve Ostin, The Rock, etc etc" All the same he his happy!
He attends a mainstream school with 28 other children in his class - he adores his class mates and he quite often has friends here for tea after school. He is statemented now so has a teachers aide (1 to 1) for ALL of his school hours.
He still plays me up, every morning about not wanting to go to school but with alot of persuading and persistance from me he goes - all be it we are often late (Some of that is down to me though - I hate mornings!)
He loves Friday's best though for 2 reasons the first being that he gets to stay in with his old teacher at lunch time when they spend their time on the internet and secondly because Friday is the last day at school - he loves the weekends.
He can stay up as late as he likes on a Friday & Saturday and get up when he feels like it (Usually 10 or 11 o'clock) He is spending quite alot of time at his Grandma & Grandad's new caravan on the weekend, so I am fortunate to have abit of free time (To update my pages & go out getting merry!)
His very latest interest is ....WRESTLING, his first sentance spoken in the morning is to do with Resteling and his last words before sleep are usually about Wrestling!!! What ever happened to poor old Thomas the Tank Engine?!
Now it's "Stone Cold Steve Ostin, The Rock, etc etc" All the same he his happy!
